a rant. on worldviews and absolutes.

i realize that our power to reason and logically think is not perfect. it is incomplete, and more than that, like the rest of our nature, it is fallen. and so i try not to elevate the mind and reason to positions of authority higher than what they should hold. and yet, it frustrates me when people do not logically evaluate or reason through their worldviews, and instead hold contradictory beliefs, not paradoxes, mind you, for those can be welcome, but just unexamined, blind contradictions.
i suppose right now i am considering a particular, quite pervasive view that upsets me greatly, and was one of the main reasons that i hated my last year in school.

in our society it is quite popular to believe that there are no absolutes. nothing is good or bad but we, through thinking, through culture, through receipt of personal injury make it so. everything is relative, situational and culturally dependent.
thus actions, words, etc. that are appropriate in one culture are considered "wrong" in another. therefore any attempt to paint the world with absolutes is simplistic, fallacious, and stems from cultural-centrism (the belief that you and your beliefs and values is right while everyone else [i.e. those from another culture] is wrong). and it's just mean and bad.
(now, i'm not even going to go into the faulty reasoning inherent in the above statement, for example, how can one condemn the action [attempting to apply absolutes] when it was just said that nothing is good or bad but culture makes it so, and thus condemnation is disallowed...?)
what irks me more is that people who hold fast to this claim do not actually live by it except when it is convenient for them.
(and let us take feminism for example because then you will get a taste of my last year of school and why i felt like screaming and tearing out my hair). many decry the evils of a patriarchal society and will tout women's rights and champion them etc. and bring them to cultures to which they are alien, to liberate the women.
why?
why?
if a culture is inherently good and defines its own moral system and values and practices, why do you feel the need to step in and rectify said system and values? what gives you the right to say "women's rights are good" and "oppression is bad" when at the same time you cling to the position that there is no right or wrong?

you can follow this same train of thought to other areas of social activism. if you claim that suffering and oppression are unjust, are you not claiming an absolute? (whether true or not, or how one can know this is for another discussion, but it is a claim at an absolute nevertheless).

believe me, this isn't about me not being a feminist, or thinking that stepping into cultures and situations and saying "oppression is wrong" or "women have rights" is a bad thing. i just wonder with what authority people do such things?
i wish people would follow their chain of thoughts all the way through, right back to the beginning:

so either there is no right or wrong, but only relativism, and i am a hypocrite in decrying wrongs and evil in the world, OR there really are absolutes.
and, i must pick one of these two options, which logic leads back to.
if it is true that there are no absolutes, is that not an absolute? and how can i be absolutely sure?
if there are absolutes, then how do i know what they are? where can i find them? what are they based on? who decides them?

i think that scholasticism would benefit from using reason and thinking things through and opening them up for discussion. encouraging people to ask things of themselves and go places they haven't quite gone before, rather than accepting without questioning because some areas are "sensitive" or "difficult" to delve into.


yes, i am done now.
and i realize that this possibly isn't everyone's experience with their schools of higher learning, it is however one of the negatives i found with mine.

devious pastimes.

lately, i've taken up the pastime of "art-watching". i go to deviant art and i watch things.
like this.


X by =fogke on deviantART


what amazes me most is that there are people, doing these things - art, and that's what they DO. there are people who DO this. amazing.

i have this strange and idle and probably terribly selfish dream of being an artist by the ocean.
i suppose that would first require being an artist, wouldn't it?

too bad i'm not working on that, instead of just art-watching.

on running away, in more depth part 2.

this is a continuation from last time. (i'd actually written it all together with the first part, but it was rather long, so i broke it up. and then i had doubts about posting it, so it was delayed. but here it is).

...so what does this have to do with me and running away?

well, the truth is, i too long for home and a homeland. this world isn't home, and so much of it is all wrong. but it goes deeper than that. it goes deeper than the fact that the world is broken and fallen and imperfect, evidences of which are all over my city. it comes right back to me, and the fact that i am broken and fallen and imperfect, evidences of which are all over my life.

i was interested in fractals a little while ago. and in doing a little bit of reading on them, what they are, how they are defined, i found it interesting to think how life sometimes reflects the characteristics of fractals, and can be compared to them. for example on small scales (micro) the behaviour of atoms is complex and beautiful, and yet you will find complex and beautiful interactions on any scale of the pattern that you choose to look at from micro all the way up to macro.
you can also consider humans and human societies in this way. each human is a complex, broken, fallen entity, and then they combine to form communities and societies and the world, also complex, broken, fallen entities. quite like fractals.

um, yes, so geekiness aside... and back to the previous train of thought...

Abraham and his comrades didn't get to see in full what it was that they hoped and longed for. they just had to live by faith. and like the fractal digression above, it was not just a city that they longed for, but all levels of the pattern (from the micro - that is themselves, to the macro - that is the whole world) to be made right and beautiful.
personally, i find it's not easy when expectations and hopes, the things i long for (perfection, home) are not here and now, things that i can see. living by faith with what is (as a stranger in a strange land) is hard.


and the lie or the delusion is that these ideals are attainable somewhere off in the distance far away. if i run away from here, from all the things and relationships that i do so badly here, if i leave all my failings as well as the failings of the strange land in which i live and start again, somehow they will not follow me and i will be happy. the pattern will be made beautiful.

the man on the t.v. show i wrote about could not stand what he was or who he was so he ran away in hopes of starting again and becoming someone new. thing is, each time he found out he was just the same person as before and he could not stop running away.

the temptation for me is to also run away - physically, emotionally, even spiritually when things get hard and reality does not meet my longings and expectations. the pattern is ugly. it needs fixing and i can't fix it.
instead of running i know the better way is to do as ol' Abraham did, live by faith in things to come:
For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. Hebrews 11:10

on running away, in more depth, or expectation vs. reality

sometimes meaning cannot be conveyed by words alone. other times words can be useful but difficult to use, and it is easier to use awkward pauses and silence to convey a message - although i'm beginning to doubt the effectiveness of these, at least in all situations (especially virtually).
anyhow... i thought i'd revisit the theme of running away.
but it is so tangled and convoluted a subject that it may take a while - so bear with me.
actually, this may not make any sense to you or to anyone but me, so this will be me thinking out loud as i find that useful sometimes.

it has to do with expectation and reality. my expectations are had to describe because they are vague and theoretical, and not clearly definable in concrete terms or in words. all i can say is that they are more than what is.

i was reading Hebrews today, and come to think of it, that might actually help:

For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.

Hebrews 11:14-16



the verses before talk about a man named Abraham who with his wife Sarah and their household left their home in Haran and followed God's instruction to go to Canaan, a new, alien land where they lived as strangers and nomads for the rest of their lives.



(By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. Hebrews 11:8-10)



it goes on to say: These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. Hebrews 11:13



they didn't get what it was that they longed for. a home. a place to belong. a place that was theirs. even though in a way they had these things, it was not fully. they "saw them and greeted them from afar" and that was enough. or rather, Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city. Hebrews 11:13 - and that is enough.



so what does this have to do with me and running away?



(stay tuned).

awkward conversation of the day.

p: you look so beautiful.
me: oh - um, thank you.
p: you remind me of d.
me: who is d.?
p: she married my son. are you married?
me: no.
p: they haven't arranged a marriage for you yet?
me: um, no, we don't do that in my family.
p: some people do it.
me: oh yes
p: d. didn't marry for love.
me: um, what? (thinking in my head: so it was arranged...? how odd! what kind of family does d. have that would arrange a marriage between an indian and a clearly non-indian family?)
p: d. didn't marry for love, she married for money. everyone in her family knows that. my son is very rich.
me: oh - uh, okay...
p: i don't like d., i wish you'd married my son instead.
me: ... well it's too late for that now isn't it...!


hahaha the awkwardness.

awkward conversation of the day.

me: how was your day today?
p: it was full of hassles.
me: well, they do like to do that to you here, keeps you busy.
p: how are you?
me: oh, me? well, i'm pretty good!
p: and the baby? was it a girl?
me: (on the inside: HAHAHAHAHA) um, actually that wasn't me, you're thinking of someone else, but the baby was a girl!

on running away.

i watch way too much t.v. especially when i start relating real live to episodes of television. clearly.
anyhow, here goes...
so there was this episode of... i can never get the name. something like "missing" or "lost" or "finding people" - anyhow, the premise of the show is people get lost/disappear and these FBIers have to find them.
so this one episode was about a man who goes missing, but it turns out he is not who he seems and he has a series of aliases that he pretended to be and every so often keeps changing.
anyhow, it comes out that the reason he does this is an attempt to wipe clean the slate of his life each time and run away. start over. it never worked, of course, but it was his preferred means of coping.
all that to say that sometimes - a lot lately - i want to run away.
sometimes running away is so much easier than standing and fighting.

little treasures.

physics is one of my favourite things. (*gasp* surprise! you're all shocked i'm sure). it causes the nerd in me such joy.
so when i meet someone who is also enchanted by physics i want to embrace them.
that is why i was flabergasted when i saw this:

you probably can't tell what it says. distance = velocity x time.
crazy.
who would write something so wonderful into the sidewalk?

i love finding treasures - and Toronto is so full of treasures.
yay! here is to exploring!

sometimes i surprise myself.

browsing through my old livejournal i found this poem. i never posted it, (i usually never post my poems) but i like it - so here it is.


(january 8, 2008)

some days

some days, i cannot hear your voice,
and i wonder where you are in all of this, what you are doing.
what i would not give to hear the echo of your footsteps
to feel the touch of your hand.
what would i not give?

some days the ground is dry, and cracked and bleeding
waiting for you to come fill it up.
some days the memory of your rain is so distant
like a song that was heard in a dream
long ago and far away.

some days i can see your pillar of cloud
guiding the way.
and though i know not the intricacies of this path
there is peace and comfort in walking it with you.
even in the desert, - lo! pools of water.
even midst the raging sea, - calm.

why i'm an anarchist. theoretically.

something i've found interesting on facebook (haha, yes, there are occasionally interesting things on facebook) is that most people feel more inclined to disclose their political leanings or allegiance than their religious beliefs. almost as if supporting a particular political philosophy could right the wrongs of the world.
i heard that view expressed a couple weeks back actually - that it is the flaws and failures in society that result in horrible tragedies like the seemingly random murder of children. (well, i suppose 'child' as the discussion focused on one child in particular)
i disagree.
i think it's funny and convenient how we so easily forget who it is that creates society.

it is for this reason that i disclose my own political leanings: theoretical anarchy. and not for the reason that you may think (or, you may know me and the way my mind works and be able to guess why i theoretically prefer this state).
i think people should be freed from the confines of societal norms and laws to rule and govern themselves as each sees fit. then, i suppose, we'll see (or rather, more clearly see) what is really in a man (and by 'man' i'm being my non-politically-correct self and using the word to include all of humankind).
i don't think it will be much of a surprise when it does come out - we've already seen it in those instances when society has broken down and we hear horrific tales ("how could things come to that! *gasp* the horror"). as you can tell i do not imagine the result to be pretty or comfortable.

i suppose that i theoretically prefer this political state because it more easily shows the depravity of our natures, and there is no ridiculous structure to hide behind into fooling ourselves into the notion that "i'm a good person". it would also put an end to the ill-thought-out position that "people aren't bad, society is bad and creates bad people".

of course it's only theoretically that i lean this way politically, because chaos isn't very nice to live in.


p.s. i found this amusing. you may also.

on Fred and life and masterful skill or celebrating genius 3.

what i love about Fred Astaire's dancing is that even though it was so amazingly good and skilled, still he managed to make it look so easy - as if it wasn't practiced or choreographed but just an expression of his heart - and all the while doing it he was having an amazingly wonderful time.
on all the dance shows i've seen in recent years, i haven't seen anyone that quite matches Fred. (he would deserve the title of genius as i was bestowing before).

but i suppose if i were a dancer, i would be terribly frustrated by his dancing. how can something so complicated, that takes so much discipline and training and skill look so incredibly simple? that is how it should look i suppose, and how all masters of their art work.

i do know that it is frustrating for me when the art is not dance but life. some people make life look so freakin' easy.

i heart herptiles.

um, as long as they are caged and far away from me.

do you know what's cool? having friends that go to places like this for fun:

closet purging.

i never really considered myself to be a pack rat. but i suppose reality seems to declare otherwise. which is perhaps ironic since i love simplicity and clutter tends to paralyze my mind. anyhow, thanks to the help of a good friend my closet is now much emptier than it once was.

below is the pile of clothes that went to goodwill. yikes.

"you're very..." (wonderful, glorious, magnificent, punctual!) "punctual!" "...punctual?"

i know that i often lament the depravity of the human condition, if not so much here then at least in my head. but there are good stories too. here's a good story.

i have in the last few years formed a bad habit of being late for everything (well, everything except for work). in undergrad my classes usually started at 10am, so i would always get to school an hour early and then i would hand write out the notes for the days lectures to prepare for class. yikes! what a keener i was.
and then nursing came. and they made us start at a terribly unreasonable hour, i suppose perhaps in an effort to get us used to the terribly unreasonable times that nursing work usually starts. anyhow, in protest to this, i got into the practice of arriving 10 minutes late for class. and this somehow carried through to everything else in life.
so, (i suppose this was a couple months ago now), i was headed off to my main means of transportation, late, as usual, and as i approached the street i saw my bus leave. not quite unusual. then i saw a second bus, same route, also leave. alas.
i finally made it to the bus stop, and lo! a bus sat there waiting, just about to leave! ...and just as i approached it put up the "out-of-service" sign. my face fell. or at least, i am told that my face fell. this particular bus route would mean waiting another 20 minutes, maybe longer for another bus to come my way. alas. and i was already late.
but, just as i had lost hope, the driver opened up his door, asked me where i was headed off to, told me that he was going in the same direction, and because i looked so sad he would take me on the bus. he then proceeded to drive me (the only passenger on the bus) to the place that i was off to, (express!), while relating to me stories of how a friend had helped him deal with his own punctuality issues.

ha
ha
ha
i was laughing the whole time in my head.

and, thanks to that bus driver i even arrived on time!! which is quite a feat for me.

anyhow, since then i've been much better at being on time for things. mostly...

brilliant.

guess who found out how to upload her digital camera pictures. very nice.


this is the summer sunrise from my window.

back.

so, it's been two months, and it would seem that my creative juices are indeed flowing again - or at least the ones that compel me to write, and so i shall write again. (indeed, i've been writing blog posts in my head for the past couple of weeks, and it's starting to get annoying hearing them over and over as the editing process is much more complicated in my head than on a computer, and they are forgotten as quickly as they were made up).

i suppose i can begin with what i've been up to during these months of absence:

well, i've taken to poetry. reading it mostly. lately, it has felt to me that anything that needs to be said should be said in a song or a poem, otherwise it is hardly able to say anything at all. i've been reading the Psalms lately. what's cool is that the church i've started going to is also doing a summer series on the Psalms. i've tried my hand at writing poetry, but it hasn't gotten very far.

i've taken to music also. i've begun a relationship with my guitar, which to my surprise has even lasted longer than a couple of weeks. a while ago as i was day dreaming about the future my guitar even cropped up into the equation, which was a pleasant surprise. i don't know how long it will last, so i'm not banking on it, but summer flings can be nice.

i've bought a new cd. actually, it's not that new, as i've had it for 2 months now, and i know that's not very newsworthy for most people, but i only buy cds every 6 months or so and so when i do it is exciting. not to mention that i love it and i've probably played this one a few hundred times since i got it, and it has both music and poetry which i am in love with right now.

i've also purchased a new digicam, which some of you have seen in action, but has yet to be brought out into full force. expect pictures!

anyhow, during my blogging vacation i've discovered some things; decided some things; resolved against other things; been to a wedding; realized what vacations are for; had it hit me that i'm working full-time; wanted to run away and have not. all in all, it's been a quiet, tumultous 2 months.

the urge to purge.

every now and then i get this overwhelming desire to purge everything and start again.
tabla rasa and all that jazz.
unfortunately destroying everything barely ever works (nor do i particularly like the tabla rasa epistemological thesis).

but still, this urge to get rid of everything is persistent. it arises whenever reality does not meet the standards of perfection that i have whimsically drawn up in my mind and my frustration mounts to the point that the thought of redemption is impossible and instead destruction must ensue.

i've had this from a very young age. my first remembrance of it is from when i was around 7 and my sticker collection was the victim of my irrational wrath (much to the delight and benefit of my little brother who salvaged what he could from my discarded collection and added it to his own - which still remains, funnily enough).

the web makes purging so easy. one little click and everything is gone, as if it had never been. no messy clean-up to back me into second thoughts.
there are second thoughts however, afterwards, for despite their imperfections these things that i destroy represent a part of me. and i like looking back and thinking, which is hard when everything is gone.

this all to say that i'm taking a vacation from blogging. and from reading also. it's an effort to quell the urge to delete everything on this page - at least until the creative juices start flowing again.

au revoir.

'G' is for Ghosh

'G' is for Ghosh, Amitav
Title: The Hungry Tide
Year: 2004

my reading of books has been very skewed. i have not read many authors who are not british. and i have read very few who are indian (although granted, this one can hardly be called indian). but of those indian authors that i have read, it has been a pleasure to see the way that they use the english language. they use it precisely and flavourfully, as if it were an exotic, delicate creature.

this book is very slow in building. despite it being well written i was tempted to give it up half-way through for the slowness of the plot. i'm glad i didn't. the interest isn't really in the plot - it's more in the construct of the book. although prose and descriptive, much of it is poetic. in a way it oscillates between the two. the book is about 'the tide country' of india, and from what i can tell, the way that Ghosh puts the book together is a reflection of that. it goes back and forth, back and forth between the different story lines, like the tides flowing in and out. although at times it only served to make me nauseaus (given, i was reading much of it on the bus rides to and from work) i thought the construct was terribly interesting.

the end was sad. not like the deep aching sad after Tolkien's Lord of the Rings saga, but more like, "oh, that was sad". but i do recommend it still.

wavering.

of late
the silence has been too much to take
and standing still is killing me.

putting off
the living of life
because bearing up becomes so hard

so the question becomes,
when you can't go back, and you can't stand still
do you go all in?

'F' is for Frank

'F' is for Frank, Anne
Title: The Diary of a Young Girl
Year: 1952

i did not think that i would be able to get my hands on this book, as the library had several holds on it and it would probably be about a month coming into my way. a series of failures with other 'F' books had me contemplating abandoning this project (again! i suppose i've had that thought recurrently now, and yet what keeps me holding on is 'L' - can't wait for 'L'!). however, thanks to a friend, i was able to read Anne Frank's diary, and i'm glad i did.
an interesting and intimate glimpse into the workings of another being. how very uncensored and close. while reading i was not sure if i should continue at times because i was an intruder, a stranger peering into these most intimate of details that even her own family were not privy to. emotion and inner thoughts that no one else knew of.
she was a good writer.
what a tragedy.